Vodacom - Polish a turd, its still a turd!

An Open Letter to Pieter Uys - CEO of Vodacom

Hello Pieter.

Im one of your customers. You dont know me. (literally, and i assume figuratively based on your service levels and network quality)

I am one of the resilient South Africans that stuck around. I did not migrate to Australia at the first sniff of a hi-jacking and I still pay my taxes even though the potholes get bigger and my business margins get smaller.

I put up with all of those things Pieter, mostly because its expected. I dont mind contributing to the GDP of a country knowing its going to help restore the infrastructure in an amazing country.

I do, however, mind contributing to the billion dollars a year coffers of a lumbering, lack-lustre and frankly tardy excuse for a mobile operator who by all accounts couldn't give a continental about service delivery, call quality, network distribution or customer service. (love the new colour though - great job)

Let me clarify Pieter, that this is not about yesterdays TNF (Total Network Failure) that resulted in a barrage of angry e-mails, Facebook posts and tweets (all ironically send from the backbone of other more reliable networks).

Its about the on-going fight to actually make a call, on the Vodacom network - full stop!

A glance at my relationship with the battered souls that admirably monitor your Vodacom social media spaces will paint a picture, sadly echoed by thousands if not hundreds of thousands of your "customers".(inverted commas used rather deliberately i feel given the state of play)

Im really not sure you understand what its like to be a customer Pieter.
Let me elaborate as to what my daily battle to actually use my mobile phone consists of!

As a supposed business tool my daily Vodacom grind is littered with a litany of dropped calls (approx 50% daily and nope thats not an exaggeration), congested networks, mediocre to poor call quality, delayed blackberry server deliveries, infrequent and questionable 3G data speeds, crossed lines - and my personal favourite Pieter - the total inability of my international client base to dial my number (apparently it does not exist from outside SA).

Every single one of these issues has been reported, discussed, courteously addressed with a meaningless platitude about "looking into it" - and swept graciously under the brand new red carpets that adorn Vodacom Boulevard - for YEARS Pieter, not months and certainly not just yesterday, or the last time a TNF had the whole of Jozi baying for your blood.

And here is the zinger, Pieter...I simply dont care anymore.

Im a little punch drunk i guess, tired of constantly complaining about non existent service to a company that has non existent customer service.

I watch, bemusedly as you spend R180mil on a colour change - i work in marketing so i "get it". Great fireorks display on Ponte! What did that cost? You just seem to forget that the shiny red, was once a dull and fading Blue and Green, and im not sure a coat of paint fixed the problem. Polish a turd, its still a turd, Pieter.

Just a shiny one that smells great!

So no, im not angry or irritated that your TNF occurred yesterday, nor am i surprised that the spin doctors were out in full force telling anyone that cared to listen that you have grown too quickly (on my dropped call revenue i guess) and are having teething problems.

You see Pieter, I for one dont really think, that against the backdrop of the above, an apology is good enough. I dont really want one. What i WANT is a consistent, reliable and quality mobile phone service that does what it is supposed to do. No more, and no less.

As for all the angry folk yesterday afternoon? They know more or less how i feel every day! Thanks for that!

I would leave you my number to give me a call to discuss this, but i doubt you would get through...I am a Vodacom customer after all!

Crushing the entreprenuer, the Bidvest way.

AN OPEN LETTER TO BRIAN JOFFEE - C.E.O OF BIDVEST


Hi Brian, my name is Andrew.

You wont know of me.
I am an entrepreneur, a bit like you I suppose.

You wont know of my company, we are relatively well known in Event Management and Sports Marketing circles - we do OK.

We are certainly not as big as you, nor do we compete with you - yet we are surprised to find that the "Full Might of the Bidvest Group" will be used to crush us!

That's quite concerning when our turnover is probably one tenth of your salary, Brian!

To clarify, this claim was made by one of your top execs  and Brian, I really think before you commence the crushing, we should chat about this in a calm, non-crushing, and vaguely professional sort of way.







Some background for you Brian.

We dont advertise much.


Some of your consumer brands must spend fortunes in Radio and TV advertising. Being a supplier predominantly of professional services we prefer to work on relationships built through a proven track record and word-of-mouth, 

However Brian, for the past 18 months we have sponsored a marketing insert on a regional radio station, aimed directly at marketing people in the advertising and publicity industry.

As entrepreneurs in a creative space, Brian, we decided to do a radio campaign that is topical in the marketing community - and draws parallels between the attitude we find some clients have to paying for Event Management services, and the companies on radio that insist on making their own adverts. This discussion was started and propagated by the marketing community, through several forums.

Luci Hirsch - A good sport, AND a nice dress!

We have over the past year or so been flighting a few ads that parody the principles of these executives doing ads, often badly, instead of using a professional voice over. 

They are non-offensive and play the principle, not the player - basically we highlight the methodology, not the man, Brian!




 We have flighted parodies of Luci Hirsch, and Morningside Pharmacy - as an example.

These have provoked interesting debate in the marketing community (they are flighted once a week Brian, at the end of a marketing programme, it's NOT a mainstream ad campaign) and have been met with overwhelmingly positive feedback, from Parodied Personalities and Marketing Men alike. 

Anyway Brian, the reason for this is not to suggest I am a brilliant marketing strategist, nor a Maverick businessman - but to point out that I really find a few things that unfolded last week quite disturbing.

You see Brian, one of our new parodies happens to be of the MD of one of your companies. He does his own radio advertisements, (I am sure you can figure out who is he) and general consensus on the marketing blogosphere was that he should be the subject of one of our Spoof Ads.

So we did. The ad is here if you want to hear it Brian. 

Maverick Spoof Radio Ad - Cars 


Why this gets interesting, is that the MD concerned apparently has taken the greatest offense to this parody assuming that we are making fun of him, which is not the case.  

We would have hoped your colleague, having clearly having a sense of humour failure, would have engaged us on this matter using some sort of professional dialogue...an e-mail, a note asking to see the script, hell even a phone call asking for context would have been nice. 

He didn't do that Brian.
He tried to bully us into submission using the Collective Crushing Capabilities of the entire Bidvest group as a big stick.

Not very Entrepreneurial friendly is it?

He tried to get the ad pulled off the radio station, which as we are not actually breaking any rules here, is rather tricky to achieve. 

He then phoned us directly and in a relatively eloquent 3 minute tirade - it cant be classified as a conversation as we literally couldn't get a word in edgeways - he shouted about how the might of the entire Bidvest Group would be used to "crush us"!

Yup, the Bidvest Group is apparently on standby as we speak to "crush us" for this heinous act of corporate treachery Brian. 

That's not really in the spirit of promoting entrepreneurism is it Brian? 

Interestingly though you claim this to be one of your cornerstones of your business model. 

Dont take my word for it...take yours!

In your annual report, Brian, you make the following statement...


The Bidvest model is a way of doing that. We encourage local entrepreneurs to build the operations they control by applying the disciplines that turn small businesses into big ones.

Couldn't be further from the truth in the context of this particular MD - not sure he read it Brian!

I'm also not sure he read the bit before - where you claim that "more fundamental than that is turning good people into great people." - based on his conduct in handling this matter.


So Brian, I guess at the end of the day, we are all in a bit of a pickle.

We cant really phone the MD concerned as he clearly invoked the Bidvest wrath - not his own companies. Frankly given his telephone manner we would rather not pick up the phone to him anyway. No one likes to get shouted at like a 2 year old caught with his hand on his gavel.


We cant really phone the radio station, as we are doing nothing wrong.

So, i would really like your comment on Company Crushing, Brian, if you don't mind.


I look forward to your response.


Oh, and guess what Brian...we pulled the Ad....so call off the Crushers!

Oh and for the record ...

...we did not pull it because of the threatening tirade by a member of your management team.

.. we didnt pull it because we were scared of Bidvest Crushing us.


We pulled it, frankly, because if that's the calibre of staff associated with the particular company, we dont really want our brand associated with it , even in a parody! We have standards you know!


Proudly Bidvest? You must be so proud, Brian!

Southern Sun - Your home away from Home?

I have a really great family. We play together, laugh together, party together - all in all we have a really good family life, even though we are scattered across the globe.

Every family though, has a dodgy uncle. Mine is called Kurt. He is to put it bluntly, a wanker.

Kurt is the ONE person you NEVER want to come around. Kurt is the one family member who never really listens to a word you say and never bothers to make his house presentable when you go round for a braai. Kurt couldn't give a damn what you drink...or if you are comfortable...as long as he is sorted, its survival of the fittest for the rest of you...

Why this boring lesson is Ross family culture? 

Because, if hotels, as part of their value proposition, are supposed to make you feel like part of the family,....then Southern Sun, in my experience, has the same approach to visitors as my Uncle Kurt.

I have to confess, I have had a mixed relationship with Southern Sun since the hotel i was staying in caught fire...yes really! In the Newlands Southern Sun, about four years ago, a Chinese tourist had apparently decided to leave her nylon ladythings drying on an in-room heater. After a few hours, the melting point of synthetic chinese nylon was exceeded and the room went up in smoke.

Why the eire with Southern Sun in this case? Because their evacuation procedures were shambolic to say the least, their staff hopelessly under trained  for the situation, and the cherry on the cake was an irate phone call from "Pat in Accounts" later that day threatening to sue me as i had skipped the hotel without settling my bill...i had to point out her speed-point was melting and her staff screaming in hysteria before she realised I may have a point...

Happily we resolved the issue the good old fashioned Southern Sun way - they denied anything was wrong, and i paid the bill without setting myself on fire!

...and here we are, a few years on...whoda thunk i would be irritated with this bastion of Southern African hospitality again?

Its amazing what Photoshop can do...

Lets put this in context first...I work in Sport - Global Sport, and spend probably 100 to 150 nights annually in hotels, around the country and around the world.

I understand the "business"of hospitality, as well as the affinity to certain "brands" - and despite all belief to the contrary I dont think I am a "difficult" customer...I DO however like to think that i have the right to an opinion, and that when things are wrong they deserve to be aired.

So... the start of the Domestic Standard Bank Pro20 series is upon us, and to kick off the year lets look at my two Southern Sun experiences in two days in two different cities....

Cape Town first - where the air is pure, the mountain over-rated, and the Eastern Boulevard Holiday Inn a health hazard!

The usual check-in "dance of the missing booking" was already enough to get my blood pressure up (Southern Sun simply have no simple way to reconcile a web booking with their reservations system - I have resigned myself to this fate as we ALWAYS have problems checking in)....

Up to the room, and as the lift stopped on the second floor i was delighted to be welcomed, in the lift lobby, by an Ocean Basket take-away box in the middle of the floor. (it was still there in the morning).

Room Service, Southern Sun Style...

Dodging the fishy welcome, I was happily greeted by three separate prostitutes (one counting her money) on the walk to my room. At least depending on survival in a service based industry they were infinately more pleasant than the hotel check-in staff.

I was delighted to learn upon entry of my appointed room, that apparently someone had stolen the furniture! (probably the prostitutes?) A gaping hole in the interior design layout made it clear that near the window a table and chairs once stood! The vacuous space overwhelmed the delightful '80's pine finishings.... on the plus side at least the view of the block of flats out the back was not obscured!

Luckily a single night stay was all i had to endure, and as the Sports game relentlessy marches on, so do all the support staff. Next stop East London!

In my humble, 100 plus nights a year experience...checking into the East London Southern Sun is about as pleasant an experience as a home lobotomy...in fact the lobotomy would probably be preferable as you wouldn't remember it in the morning!

The reprise of the "check-in missing reservation" dance was followed by the "door lock tango" - four rooms, four tired event managers, and four keys that would not work...a quick trip to reception solved the problem and we were told not to hold our keys near credit cards - apparently we had all deliberately sabotaged our keycards on the walk to our rooms...

 So, after that rousing Southern Sun welcome, we decided to kick back, and have a drink  - why not! The hotel has a bar, surely they can't screw a quick drink up? Sigh....

The furniture in the bar area should frankly be condemned by the WHO. Stains of indescribable origin mingled playfully on the arm rests as we settled into the padded chairs. Ordering a Jack Daniels, in a short glass - anyone that knows me knows my drinking preferences - was not as easy as it sounded...in the space of 5 minutes we established that the "bar" had 1) no whiskey glasses, 2) no change so paying with cash was problematic and 3) no abilty to run a tab as the barman was knocking off in ten minutes.... you can see where this is heading can't you!

Breathing deeply I went up to my room, noting happily that no one had stolen the furniture out of this one. I was however intrigued that the Southern Sun Interior design department had outdone themselves - this time with a novel approach to guest experience called "hide the vital switches".

For future reference the bathroom light switches for room 239 at the East London Southern Sun Garden Court are hidden behind a curtain that is stuck to the wall with Velcro!! You cant see them, nor lift the curtain away from the wall - so to find them you end up like a drunken boxer jabbing at the wall in the desperate hope a punch lands in the vital area - i am happy to report after about 15 minutes I was indeed able to turn on the bathroom light...

The final straw in the sorry tale of East London Southern Sun value proposition was the asthmatic aircon. To be fair, it tried...hard! It made a lot of noise, and moved the air around but never really managed to get, erm...cold? I woke up around 05h00 with that delightful "did i fall asleep in a sauna" head-ache.

The Luckie Draw of Customer Service...

So i decided to do what i probably should have done upon arrival - and leave.

I checked out...and was asked by the Cashier if i enjoyed my stay....probably not one of his brightest moves but i politely and gently explained in a calm voice what i thought of his fine establishment.

To his credit he insisted I chat to the duty manager - a true asset in the Cutomer Service ARSEnal of the Southern Sun group...a gem called Luckie.

In the twenty minutes Luckie tries to reconcile my bill, claiming despite me having paid up front for all 5 rooms and 11 nights that i still owed him more money, he never once attempted to solve the problem, resolve any of my issues, nor actually apologise for any of the poor experiences I may have encountered on his property.

He DID intimate i should have reported the faulty aircon - to be fair he is correct. I should also have bought my own shampoo to clean the furniture, and will make a mental note to always travel with my own whiskey glasses, room card encoder and change for the bar in future.

What's the moral of all of this?

I think the customer service industry in South Africa is notoriously fickle and I DO believe that a lot of the time, groups like Southern Sun DO get it right. The lesson here seems to be the processes in place when things go WRONG, where the first assumption is always that the customer is just an inconvenience and being difficult?

I firmly understand that occasionally things go wrong, and to be frank much of my irritation with Southern Sun this time is the way things were handled...but here is the zinger.

I DO have a choice...
I DO have the means and ability to stay elsewhere, and maybe - just maybe, if more people did so - the next time I check into a Southern Sun, my reservation WILL be on the system WITH the payment reflecting...and the light switch for the toilet just MAYBE moved from behind a velcro'd down curtain.

I sincerely doubt it though.  I wonder of my Uncle Kurt uses Southern Sun when he travels.? He would feel right at home there!